Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Excoriating Accelerationally-Challenged Imbeciles

I. Hate. Slow. Drivers. In. The. Fast. Lane.

Die. Die. Die painfully and slowly, the way that you have driven.

I cannot understand how a person could be so clueless as to dribble along, slowly enough for an arthritic octogenarian to do cartwheels around his vehicle, while a dozen cars pile up in utter frustration behind him, trying desperately and at peril of their lives to squeeze into whatever gap may finally open up in the other lanes.

I encountered such an idiot today, driving some kind of panel truck. For a good five minutes, he put-putted along I-95 at a speed usually employed by ducks waddling around a pond. Car after car rode his bumper but he was oblivious. In front of his benighted vehicle, the left lane was free and clear.

I tried and tried and finally my chance came. I gave him a look of pure hatred as I passed and made sure that he saw it. I jerked in front of him and slowed down nicely for a moment or two. It was a wasted lesson. As he vanished mercifully behind me, I could see that he had no intention of changing lanes, ever, and the line of traffic continued behind him.

My choices of torture for such a person would involve electric sanders, razor blades, vicious ants, rabid dogs, red hot skewers, colonic cleansing utilizing caustic chemicals and ground glass, forcibly-fed toadstool puree and a woodchipper.

6 comments:

Janice Thomson said...

Forcibly-fed toadstool puree?? Where do you come up with this stuff LOL. They say speed kills but slowness can cause unexpected road-rage.
How about taking away his license permanently after the third report :)

mermaid musings said...

LOL
those tortures are good, LOL

Rebecca said...

DANG!!! A sander? Ants AND dogs? Whoa. Such a vituperate is jarring coming from your normally peaceful self :)

Sorry you experienced this frustration so early in the day, and hope a lunchtime walk clears your head and spirit.

Trisia said...

My punishment for those people would be to send them back to take driving lessons. It would be a harsh one, as they clearly didn't enjoy learning in the first place.

Too bad there isn't a course in common sense.

I love the title, by the way.

eastcoastdweller said...

Janice, it bubbles up from the dark depths of my soul every now and then.

I do believe that most people try to do good most of the time. I just can't stand the ones who make no such effort.

But I need to calm down. Some brain-dead soul whipped around me one night recently, passing me in a no-passing zone across double yellow lines around a corner IN A RESIDENTIAL AREA in which I was going the speed limit.

Quite a different scenario than today's freeway incident, methinks.

I laid on the horn and left my brights shining right into his annoying face until he and I parted ways a block or two further on.

I must stop. People that stupid sometimes carry guns. And they don't learn from their mistakes.

Carmen: Believe me, five minutes behind that guy gave me plenty of time to think of more.

Rebecca: Such a walk would have been great but today stayed too busy for that. However, a night with no meetings to attend is just as capable of restoring my soul balance.

Leslie said...

Choppy. Very choppy. :)

I wonder if there was such a thing as horse and buggy rage? One carthorse going too slow for a stylish turnout to proceed?

Woodchipper...er...chopper.

Love you ECD. Give'em hell.