Monday, December 3, 2007

Personal hygiene in hell

As I lay shivering in my living room on Friday, wrapped in a blanket, wondering what the hell was wrong with my internal thermostat, I turned on a program that I like: Man vs. Wild.

This episode should have helped, if anything could, to warm me back up. The survivalist hero, Bear Grylls, jumped out of a helicopter into the scorching sands of the Sahara Desert, where he proceeded to survive for several days by eating raw lizards and spiders and by licking rocks for water.

Now Mr. Grylls does take pains to inform the viewers of his show that “he is occasionally [deliberately] presented with situations” in order to demonstrate to said viewers how to survive them. But otherwise, we are supposed to believe that we are witnessing reality -- no snacks slipped to him on the sly, no moleskin dropped in a care package for his blisters if he forgot to pack any.

For example, a cobra that popped up at some point was dropped off in his vicinity, he said, so that he could explain how a person stranded in the Sahara should behave in the presence of such a beast.

True it is that all of us manly men in the world like to think that such a situation is entirely possible in our lives, whether we bag groceries in Cleveland or fix trucks in Texas and that of course we need to know how to respond in a cool, manly fashion. In this, we differ from Women, who are quite cognizant that They will never encounter a Sahara serpent, and who wish that Their damn fool husbands would watch some other show instead, that doesn’t involve a guy chewing on a raw lizard and remarking that it tastes like blood and guts and scales.

As the episode wore on and Mr. Grylls continued his agonizing stumble across the sands of hell, I began to wonder about something. Now I am not the world’s most hirsuite guy but I do have dark hair and even after just a few hours away from my razor, I’m sporting a pretty noticeable facial shadow.

But Mr. Grylls, who was so desperate for water during the trek that, as I said, he licked rocks and squeezed damp sand through his tshirt, day after day, never seemed to grow a beard. Did he carry an electric razor with him? Or did he just shave dry, in a most incredible, manly way?

9 comments:

Melanie said...

hope you aren't getting sick. and I hope you are never stranded in the desert with out your norelco.

happy monday. hugs.

Lyn said...

hope you are feeling better... yeah, you gotta wonder about these treks in the roughest terrain at times... you gotta know that there is a helicopter within range just in case and who knows for what else. still they are interesting aren't they? take care and feel good...

Janice Thomson said...

Kinda takes the fun out of it doesn't it? Hope you're on the mend - it's never pleasant being sick.

Kathleen said...

perhaps the body when under stress ceases to grow hair at a noticeable rate ;-)

glad you are well enough to focus and write... and be funny as well... hope you are 100% soon!

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Are you suggesting.........fraud? Surely not! Is it that impossible to believe that he ...er..er...used the sharp edges of the abundant Sahara sands to shave? Yes, that must be it!

Chase March said...

Yeah, but he doesn’t need to teach us how to shave using only a pointed rock, right? Maybe the network thought it is “too rough” to have a beard.

Although, some men just can’t grow facial hair. I know that if my brother and I stop shaving for the same amount of time, I will be a hairy beast and he will only have peach fuzz. I’m not sure why this is.

Nadiyya said...

errrrhmmm... Me and my former boyfriend was walking in the arabian desert and he stepped on a yellow sand cobra.

Does that count?

Btw, he screamed like a girl...

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

nadiyya,
I'd scream like a girl too! Oops, giving too much information again.

Eastcoastdweller said...

Hmm, this screaming like a Girl thing is an intriguing phenomenon.

It has been shown that one Girl in the presence of a dreamy rock god will not tend to scream. However, paired with other Girls, the screaming will most certainly commence until all nearby windows, wine glasses and unprotected eardrums have been shattered.

This of course is screaming in response to a positive stimuli, which tends to be a Feminine reaction.

Screaming in response to a negative stimuli, although stereotyped as a Feminine action, may possibly be more of a unisex behaviorism.