Wednesday, June 4, 2008


Mayonnaise, how I loathe thee!

You were the bane of my childhood, ruining an otherwise delicious bologna sandwich, dripping like bird droppings from the edges of my burger.

I was not a picky child when it came to food, but, oh, I hated you. And no one seemed to understand.

How satisfying it was to learn as I grew up that mayonnaise is about the most unhealthy thing that you can slather on food , short of lead paint. That aficionados of this death-white slime risk food poisoning if they live anywhere south of the Arctic Circle and leave their meal in the sun for more than 30 seconds or so.
How fitting that the biggest fan of mayonnaise should be the botulism germ and that it shares with Count Dracula or your average morgue resident a need for chilling and avoidance of daylight.

I have learned to tolerate small amounts of this pale paste in my food these days, mixed sparingly in pasta salads and such. But I still find myself scraping gobs of it off the bread of my fast food orders.

Now mustard – mustard is golden, the color of royalty. Mayonnaise is the color of an old man’s backside. Mustard has a pleasant, sharp taste, not a greasy, eggy, cloying, artery-plugging nasty flavor. Mustard goes with almost anything other than breakfast cereal.

Mustard comes in scores of varieties, creamy or stone ground – and blended with white wine, cranberries and so many other tasty things. The makers of mayonnaise have tried, half-heartedly, to combine their foul product with other ingredients in vain hopes of increasing their market. So far as I can tell, their effort hasn’t succeeded all that well. Why am I not surprised?


Jacob Russell's Barking Dog said...

Mmmm... mayonnaise, home made, gently gently ... I do it over an open flame. Double boiler for cowards.

Like so many good things, excess turns to poison.

But mayonnaise on (ahem...) bologna?

No no no... artichokes (but not out of a jar), yes! On home made French fries, yes!


What kind of parents give their children bologna?

Are you in therapy? takes years and years to get over this sort of abuse.

My sympathies...

Anonymous said...

Ahem. I like mayonnaise. Just a tiny bit, for flavor. On my veggie burger.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Mustard vs Mayo .....mustard wins. Especially Honey dijon mustard.

chipazoid said...

MMMM... The only good mayo I've ever liked was Japanese mayo. Creamy wonderful goodness, you'll never want anything else ever again. The crap they sell here's pretty foul but thank god for imports!

But I like mustard too, especially the really spicy mustard seeds. Mmmmm...

the walking man said...

So uhhh how do you really feel about mayonnaise?


Trisia said...

Ah, come on, Ecd. A tiny bit of home-made mayo can really enhance the taste of several dishes.

It's all in the recipe. The descendants of peasants scared by the mighty Count Dracula (since you mentioned him) make it yummy.

... err, no we don't add garlic.

kat said...

I am for mustard all the way.

I never could stand ketchup on anything.

Alexis said...

You dislike mayonnaise but you refer to bologna as delicious? I don't quite get you, ECD.

Wanderlust Scarlett said...


I abhore mayo and love mustard as well, and yet here I sit... eating a sandwich that was made for me today by a well-meaning friend and choking down disgusting amounts of mayo.

As I read this.
I wish I was kidding.

Have I mentioned... irony is the spice of my life?
It is.


Scarlett & Viaggiatore