Tattle tale trauma

First you teach your child that the world is bound together by rules.

"Don't punch your brother. Don't gouge the eyeballs out of the cat. Say "thank you" when Grandma gives you a sweater knitted with yarn of such a vile hue as to make you sick to your stomach. And don't wipe your nasal mucus on the walls. "

Then the well-meaning parent/authority figure throws a curve ball that no child-brain can hope to catch. When others break the rules, don't come running to tell me. Don't tattle. Except for certain ocassions that you'll just have to figure out on your own.

I don't envy children. I picture them seething with righteous indignation as Suzie cheats on a test, weighing whether they will get in more trouble by "ratting" on her to the teacher or by pretending not to notice the crime, which is of course also a punishable offence if their complicity is determined.

I was not a stupid child. A smart-aleck, sure, but even as a seven-year-old, I learned there were ways to get around the above dillema. So, for example, my cousins and I had been drafted to pick stones out of their parent's newly cleared lawn, which was next to some tempting blackberry bushes. My cousins soon tired of rock-picking and sneaked off to sample berries. My brilliant plan, and I think it worked, was to calmly walk up to the house and inform Aunt C. that I had picked up my quota of rocks and could I have a drink or something. Aunt C. would be able to see my errant cousins behind me in the act of not picking rocks, without my saying a word.

Cousins were seen swiftly sprinting back to their neglected duties as the door opened.

I think the keys that every child should know are these: Never gloat or whine in making your report. Make it matter-of-fact or even sad, as if you are reluctantly discharging your duty as a citizen of Earth. Be judicious in your reporting, basing your decision on whether expensive items are about to be broken or life is at stake. Make no reports of your brother sticking out his tongue at you, because nobody besides you cares about that.

Remember that most noteworthy offenses committed by small people such as yourself, will be discovered by your parents eventually, along with the perpetrator, without your having to say a word. And then you can gloat, all to yourself of course, as the boom of punishment is lowered upon the errant sibling, and sail on, scot-free, in the good graces of all.