Fine Print

Many years ago, when I was a fresh young U.S. Coast Guardsman stationed at a certain port for the summer, I hung a picture of a Woman on the wall of my room.

She was beautiful. She was also clothed. I think it was an ad for perfume or jeans or something. This perturbed my roommate, who couldn't see the point in posting such a photo if its subject wasn't naked or groping Herself or something.

I have never liked porn. The contrived cacaphony, the absurd bodily fakery, the typical presence of some guy revealing parts of himself that I'd rather not see, and of course, its demeaning effect upon Women, just doesn't heat my wires.

A Woman in beautiful clothing or in my presence sweetly and simply without any, now that has the effect on me that nature intended.

So it intrigued me when I read the fine print a few days ago on my DSL contract with Verizon, the provider. I am not to access anything pornographic, it said. That's unusual, for an Internet provider, I would think, but really not a concern for me. It goes on to state that I may also not access anything obscene, cruel or, if I remember right, racist.

Hmm.

Who defines cruel?

And what if I go to some white supremacist website for legitimate research, the sort of thing that a writer must do every now and then?

Will Verizon agents show up at my door with a warning or will my service suddenly just vanish?

Who sits back in their home office to do the judging? To whom might I appeal if accused?

Are they aware of capnolagnia and will I see my screen go blank if I click on old Virginia Slims ads?